Hands - another story from childhood

I remember the cool evening breeze flapping the big leaves of the tree beside me. I was staring out at the vastness of the field, inhaling the sweet scent of flowers and the spirit of awareness that someone was behind me. A moment later, big and warm hands enveloped mine which made me turn 180 degrees. I was shocked to face someone I knew..someone who loved and cared for me and someone who hated me…his eyes were solemn and full of expression…..expression which I knew a lot about.

He was my classmate since elementary. I did not even know him that well except he was my classmate. When we reached our 6th year in elementary, he was definitely a bully and I was one of his victims. I really hate him..period. He kept calling me pimples, which I must admit, I have a lot of it but it was no excuse to bully people just like that. He, running around with a broom stick chanting "pimples...pimples". I just want to poke his ass with a broomstick to make him yelp with pain. He’s arrogant and rude and a bully. That’s him…that’s John.

I have learned later that he was an only child. An unico hijo…what can I say? That’s explains his behavior. Besides…his father was a policeman and his mother? I do not know. When we were in first year..he transferred to another school. I forgot the name of the school but otherwise, it was just nearby. A year passed and he transferred again to our small school because, according to him, he missed us all.

We became friends when we were in second year high school. He was not my classmate at that time but eventually I knew him in a different perspective because my friends were his friends. I observed that he changed all his wicked ways and became a well-behaved high school boy instead. He had a growth spurt and he had spiky short hair with full lips, small nose, straight eyes and thick shapely brows. I did not find him attractive but he looks okay though.
Another year passed and we became closer to each other. He was always there beside me and we were always talking about a lot of things. We burn the phone lines when he calls at home. He is very talkative, I just want to add. Because of this, my dad always teases me.. “ O siya na naman yan..ikaw na ang sumagot”. And he was right. He was my classmate and friend. He was just a guy bud..that’s all there is to it.

Our Junior-Senior prom came and several of my guy friends and admirers asked me if I could be their partner. Since I do not want to be tied up to one, I politely declined. One day, one of our friend seated beside me and told me that someone will be asking a favor. “ May magtatanong lang sa iyo Lani”. I agreed. It was him who approached, seated beside me and chatted. A moment later he looked at me and asked me if he could be my dance partner and I deferentially said sure.

Our prom was a memorable night of our lives. He was my dance partner, yes. I could still feel his hands on my hips after we danced when sweet or rnb tunes were played. He was clothed in a riveting Americana, and I, in a stunning royal blue gown. We made a pretty cute pair and I felt something in my heart for him. It was a yearning or admiration, I am not really sure. But what I am sure of is I want to see him always after that.

Another year passed. We were already high school seniors when we became even closer. But one day, during lunch break, I found a piece of paper peeking inside my bag. I opened it and it was full of revelations that he loved me. I was aghast! I kept receiving letters everyday for a few weeks. He wanted my reply but I do not know what to say. I avoided him after. I am unsure of what happened to me. I was like a bullet recoiling but I cannot help feeling that way. I cannot look at him straight in the eye. I did not even call him anymore. After all those that I have done, he seemed to sense something. In turn, he avoided me too. We treated each other as if we do not know each other.

After 2 months, I found out from his friends that he had laid his eyes on another girl way younger than me. I should be jealous but I felt a pang of guilt and my stomach went sour. Nagselos talaga ako...(Since I am selosa in nature) I should not be but I was. I did not tell it to any of by best friends either. I just kept it to myself which made me yearned more for him. What did I do wrong? Should I have told him that I loved him too earlier? I just ignored the feeling as any person like me would do. I am the class valedictorian, an athlete, a leader and I do not want to taint my reputation of swooning over a guy. Would you call that pride?

We became enemies after that. I do not really remember why. Perhaps because I avoided him, perhaps he does not want to remember me anymore because all those memories would come back or perhaps …. :-(

One day, after the mass during our recollection in Tagaytay, I walked alone towards the veranda. I needed sometime alone after delivering the readings of the scriptures in the mass. I want to reflect upon my sins and about the whole 16 years of my life. Just before reaching the railing, big and warm hands enveloped mine and he turned me to face him. I was stunned. “ Bakit ?” I asked. He told me we needed to talk seriously. “ Saan? Dito na lang?” I asked. He nodded. He held my hands and told me that he was so sorry. He told me that knives stabbed his heart whenever he snubbed me. I forgot what I told him but we reconciled after that.

That night was very memorable. After the "say sorry to the people that you want to say sorry to moments", we hugged each other tight. I cried and cried because of the sentiments that flooded over me. All the activities and the speech of the recollectors touched my heart and I could not help but to spill all those tears stinging in my eyes away. He also hugged me in return, his hands stroking my hair like there is no tomorrow.

It was past midnight when there was a mild rapping at our door. There were only two of us in the room, Leonima and me. Instantly he was there beside me in our dimly lit room. There were no lights because our teachers might caught us if they found out we were still awake. He asked me why I did that to him. I told him that I cannot explain it. That I was shocked and I do not know what to do. I should have talked to him before. We could have mended our friendship because during that moment there were already scars which we just cannot just ignore. We just stared at each other, holding each others hand tight, drinking each others eyes, not wanting to let go. “ I’m seeing someone….” he let it trailed of. “ Yes I know” I said. It was just for about 30 minutes or an hour but it seemed like forever. If only I had kept a diary of the details, I could have told it vividly and full of details. And if only I kept all his letters so I could reminisce about my past…our past.

I burned all his letters in the trash bin after our relationship became rocky. I was so sentimental at that time but I did not regret what I have done. Not even a bit. He was so silly for snubbing me, after what all I have done for him. After that midnight encounter, we agreed to meet again early in the morning. Dawn was setting in and the scenery was very nostalgic. Together with my best friend and his soon to be boyfriend, we walked hand in hand inhaling the cool Tagaytay air and watching the sun rise. It was a dazzling sight and a memorable experience and I was happy...very happy indeed....

I do not know what happened next. Maybe he was caught in the middle. He told me he still loved me but he cannot choose. He told me that he was satisfied with the way things are going out between them. I did not react. However, deep inside I wanted him to choose between the two of us.

I think I am not one hundred percent sure about what I would have to do either. If he chooses me, then what? He would be my boy friend? No, my parents would not approve of it. I have never told him that I love him back which gave me a slight feeling of remorse up to now. I just let it hang on. No commitments and no strings attached. I went back to my normal life. My friends kept coaxing him to choose but he did not. I know he loved me and he loved the girl too, which led me to believe that he does not love me a hundred percent. Maybe he did before but it faded a bit.

Our high school graduation was fast approaching and we went back to our own separate ways. I still remember him telling me that we were in the wrong place and the wrong time. Yeah big deal! So what? He gave me a picture during graduation which still send shivers down my spine whenever I read his letter at the back of it. It was pure of sentiment..of care..of regret and love maybe. I also gave him a picture and that’s it. We had only a very few phone calls before going to college and whenever we talk, I get bored. He always blah blah about his neighbors dogs and his classmates. I became uninterested and I can say we parted ways.

Right now, we often see each other when there are birthday parties, Christmas parties and reunions. Honestly, there is still that look and the yearning inside whenever we meet. I do not regret what I did but I still like him. What do I have to do then? My feelings were still there…not much… but it was there and I did not do anything about it. There is another woman in his life now…a woman he loves dearly. He did not even told me about it. He never even brought up the topic or even called and told me he had already a girlfriend. But it’s okay. No hard feelings…

At present, I am still single and I am enjoying it….. I eventually had special "guy" friends during my first two years of college life but he was different. I admire him for being very honest and open in expressing what he feels towards me. He did not feel intimidated when we are together unlike other guys who would treat me like I am a different being. There will be only one like him and he will be in my heart forever. Yes, we were at the wrong place and in the wrong time.

All I can say for now is that when the right time comes and my Romeo will sweep me off my feet, I will always remember to tell him my feelings. The best thing that John and the whole experience taught me was to: let go of my heart..do not be afraid to express my feelings…be honest and open. It was like clasped hands. …you have a choice whether you will hold on or let go….commit or forget. It was a matter or choice…and I let go…..

Written by: Lani Diana G. Santos Time: 4:47 p.m. Date: April 15, 2003 ( Holy Monday)